Make Jokes - Page 2
How you can spot a Canadian, eh? -Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers)
How do you tell a Canadian from an American?
It used to be enough ... keep reading.
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing ... keep reading.
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have ... keep reading.
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six ... keep reading.
Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half ... keep reading.
According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.
The vibration stopped ... keep reading.
Parent's Dictionary of Meanings
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
... keep reading.
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's ... keep reading.
10. Show up drunk. I mean REALLY drunk.
9. SQUEEZE as many people as you can in each row before opening up the next one. We're going for efficiency here.
8. Two words: "... keep reading.
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to ... keep reading.
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she ... keep reading.
My hometown was so small...
...the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill
...long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy
...the town Lady of the Evening ... keep reading.
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's ... keep reading.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes ... keep reading.
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I ... keep reading.
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to ... keep reading.
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of ... keep reading.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet ... keep reading.
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have ... keep reading.
A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and ... keep reading.
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you ... keep reading.
Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"
Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
... keep reading.
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first ... keep reading.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "... keep reading.